Normal

Today we had therapy for the first time since January.

Yeah, it has been that long. Our NEW therapist showed up on time, brought her own "tools", and get this...he got actual therapy!

I am such a forgiving person (not naturally or anything but thanks to "the voice of reason" whom I was raised by, I am now) and I tried really hard to not change therapists. But when the name of the freakin' program is Babies Can't Wait, and the baby who can't wait needs services...should he be required to wait??? I think not. And ultimately, thank God, so did the program administrators.

Our "old therapist" is no more.

Our New and Wonderful therapist's name is Mrs. Michelle and she was AMAZING!

Today was mostly for them to get to know each other, and I completely understand the purpose of that but she STILL incorporated therapy into "playtime".

I look forward to our biweekly sessions and will update accordingly.



Now,

Therapy aside.

Today, while Jay and I were out with the boys, we saw a couple other little toddler boys about Willum's age. (I did find out they were 20 and 22 months old) They were running around and really playing with toys, pulling out chairs to sit in, and taking notice of everyone around them. Smiling and laughing at them and their antics, I looked down at Willum. I had to take a moment to gather myself to keep from loosing my tears in front everyone.
Sometimes it is so hard to not be "normal".
When my child who can barely stand on his own two legs supported, is twice their heights but yet they run circles around him. It hurts to really SEE the differences between them. Because Yummie doesn't walk. Yummie doesn't stand by himself. Yummie doesn't "play" with anyone. He is like having a nine month old for two years. I remember thinking like a lot of others do and trying not to blink because I was afraid I would miss some major milestone. But now, that is all I want. To close my eyes and when I reopen them I will see him walking or talking or playing. Just like the other little boys his age.



We heard from the Genetisist today.

The last of our testing came back from the lab.

Yummie has nothing, the tests say he is "normal".

Well, now what?

Show me a normal two year old who is not walking and I will go along with that. Normal. With B and Lubee, normal has never been an option. I have pushed and pushed and pushed them to exceed normal. Accepting anything less from B than being literally, three grades ahead of his classmates was out of the question. I refused to hold Lubee back in 1st grade, when his teachers all told me that he couldn't do it. They said he was a year younger than all the other kids and that he was too challenged by moving on to the next grade. Lubee didn't want to stay in 1st grade while all his friends and his brother moved up another grade level. So instead of relenting, we really dug in. Now, I am happy to say that two years later, I asked his latest teacher about his progress. I wanted to know if she thought he would pass the first "real" grade. She was perplexed when I told her or his prognosis from a few years before. And needless to say, Lubee is now scoring above average on his placements as well.
So, just swallowing the idea of normal has been impossible...until Little Wiggles.
Now, I just pray for normal.
Do you know how long you wait to hear "Mama" or "Dada" come out of your precious ones little mouth? And then you heaart just swells with pride and love. Everything you did for twelve months or so is finally acknowledged.
We still wait to hear those words that he is no closer to speaking than he was a year ago.

I constantly wonder; what am I doing wrong?
Instead of having a daycare 'raise him' like the other two (since I was working), I have kept him myself. I wanted to spend that time with my last child since I was finally in the position to be able to. Maybe that was wrong. Maybe I should have left the child raising to the experts instead of assuming that I knew what I was doing. Because if he is "normal" than I have definitely messed up somewhere. And let me tell you how good it feels to have test after test after test come back with the same results; nothing wrong. Specialist after specialist saying, "Nope, he's fine." So then that's it. It's me. My child was normal and perfect and wonderful until he was cared for by his own mother. Now the only one to blame for his "delays" is me.

I feel like that is on the tip of everyone's tongues. Instead it comes out as: maybe he is just lazy, maybe he is just spoiled, maybe he is just stubborn. Really? Maybe it's the fact that unlike most mothers, I need an instruction manual for my child! What else could it be if we haven't found it by now???!!!!

It really hurts to feel this way.
The one comforting factor I have right now is knowing that I am not alone in this. And God gave me the best family and friends that anyone could ever have to be there for me through all of this.
Thank God that you all understand how I feel, without me trying to explain it all the time. It really helps to know that you "get it."
I love you Jay. You made such a HUGE commitment to not just me but to B and Lubee too. You didn't have to, but I am so thankful that you did!
Kel, you are one of the most AMAZING people I have ever known! Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are not worth it, because you are...and then some. Do me a favor and read 1Corinthians 13 (yeah, the whole chapter). I love you too!
And of course, Mom.
I admire you more everyday. I love you more than you will ever know. I couldn't possibly thank you enough for everything that you have done and continue to do. I will never know a more self-less person than you. You are the mother I keep trying so hard to be.

Nice try Mommy

Okay guys, we are going to try this later instead.
Yummie is screaming his head off as usual.
Lubee is singing retarded songs he just made up about why Yummie is screaming at the top of his lungs...(NOT HELPING!)
And B...yelling at both of them to do what he says and to do it yesterday.

Yes...I suggest the therapy will have to wait until another day...