DR. Mommy

Where do we go from here?

Pediatrician = check

Neurosurgeon = check

Pediatric Optometrist = check

Geneticist = check

Ear, Nose and Throat doctor = check

Ultrasound = normal

Audiology = normal

Blood work tests = normal

CT Scan = normal

MRI = normal

Vision Screening = normal

So, I put in a call to our Pediatrician who obviously, is supposed to be in control of this three ring circus that we call our lives now. What does she say to do? "Oh, it sounds like you are doing a great job Ashlee, just keep doing whatever it is that you are doing." WHAT?! Excuse me, but ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!! Just keep doing whatever it is that I am doing?! I am confused. Do I have a medical degree that I was unaware I possessed? I think not. I have no idea what I am doing here. As if it wasn't bad enough taking on the responsibility of getting him to all these doctors and taking him to all these testings and then dealing with all the results that they wield, now I have assumed the responsibility of being his advocate and doctor?! WTF??? Who does that leave me to blame if his "condition" isn't properly assessed? Who can I depend on to do everything humanly possible to help my son? Myself? This is not fair. To put a mother through everything that I have been through so far and then to give her the added responsibility that if she doesn't adequately diagnose her son then that is "her problem" because she wasn't good enough, didn't try hard enough, didn't know enough to do a good job?!

As if the weight of the world wasn't already on my shoulders.

Now if I "F up" what will happen to my son? My Amazing Little Wiggles?

What will become of him because I was judged and found lacking?

I think I need a new Pediatrician.

And I can only guess that that will mean NEW testing, NEW theories, and NEW specialists. What am I doing?

I just wanted someone to help Yummie. To help him be "normal" in every sense of the word. To help support us, his family, when we feel like we have failed him. To keep us looking up but also to prepare us for the times that we have no choice but to look further down.

Their job descriptions must have changed in the past few years. Or maybe I had an idealistic picture in my mind of what a doctor was supposed to be like.

Stumbling into all of this head-on was hard enough, now I have no one else to blame for any shortcomings besides myself. It seems that his doctors want no part of it on their shoulders. Is something wrong with him? They are quick to point out YES. Do they know what "it" is? No. "Just keep looking", they say. Thanks, I appreciate the clear cut advise.

To my Mother...

I wish that I could explain how it feels to know, without a doubt, that I have the utmost AMAZING Mother in the world.

When I stumble on life's journeys,
she will always lend a hand.
If I feel I can't go on,
she says, "You will, you can."

I have so much to thank her for,
she truly makes me whole.
I could not love her less,
than with my very soul.

God knows, I 've tried her patience,
almost each and every day.
Yet, still she smiles and hugs me,
like she knows no other way.

I searched everywhere I could for love,
when no love could be found.
Not knowing all I had to do,
was just turn-around.

There is no better example,
of how the 'perfect mom' should be.
A Mother...Best Friend...Angel,
She is all of those to me.

My only real aspiration, Mom,
is to be more and more like you.
To be self-less in a self-ish world,
Always honest, always true.

I thank God you are my Mother,
every day and every night.
And in this world of darkness,
it is You, who are my light.


Thank you for not only being my mother, but for going above and beyond so many times for me. I promise to be worth it someday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I love you,
Ashlee

Preschool for Mommy

I am seriously going to try to be better at this...

Last week, I had to enroll Yummie in preschool. Not the highlite of my summer for sure. After calling around to a few different churches offering the program for his age, I came to the realization that not everyone wants to help him. I knew this indirectly of course but to really hear it from these people was hurtful. I heard about just how "unprepared" they were to handle a "special" little boy for six hours a week. How they could not be expected to "just carry him around" all day. How helping him eat his snacks would severely inconvience them. Nice to know that if we couldn't find anyone else to take him that at least one of those places would take pity on us and try it for a week with no commitment or promises.
Just when we were losing all hope, we found a therapist willing to help us. Ironically enough, that same therapist happens to be my best friend's son's therapist. She gave me the name and number to Essential Therapy, a therapy center here in town. I called, then spoke with Val. I gave her a rundown of what was going on with Yummie and what I had been through trying to find him a preschool that would take him. She said she didn't know if they could take him either since he couldn't walk but that if I could hold for a moment she would find out. Of course I said, "Sure, no problem" when what I was thinking was, "Great, just one more letdown in a long line of them."
She came back after a minute saying that YES, they would be HAPPY to take him! I was completely elated until she asked if he had any other "special needs" they needed to be made aware of. "Yes", I said, "He cannot feed himself anything." Her reply was, "Oh... well, hold on again and let me see if we can still take him." (Self-pity returning) I thought spec-freakin-tacular! We FINALLY found someone to take him even though he can't walk but because he can't eat a goldfish we're SOL. Fabulous. (More self- pity observed here) She once again came back on the line. "I just talked to the owner and she said that, Yes, we CAN take him." I cried. Lame, but I did. I couldn't help it.
She emails me the paperwork, which of course I have filled out and ready to take over there within 10 minuted of receiving it.

After leaving work, I drove over thre to return the paperwork. I find out from my best friend that this is where her son actually goes to have occupational therapy and that it is a wonderful center. Good. I am feeling better about the way things are finally looking up. I meet Ms. Tina there,, and she actually takes me on a tour of the place before she accepts my paperwork enrolling him. (like I had much of a choice but this made me feel like I did) AMAZING facility! There were therapists there and therapy toys too! (I have never seen so many in real life in one place) (no lie) After seeing and hearing everything I wanted to, Yummie now has a preschool!! His therapist will go there for therapy instead of to our house on Thursdays too. He will go four days a week for a three hours a day. And best of all, they will help us, help him learn to walk and feed himself. He will EVEN take his own lunch to school! (Adorable, definitely adorable)

We are really excited about this opportunity. I just wanted to let everyone know that even if your best laid plans always seem to fail, God has a plan that will prevail!

Sometimes I get so caught up in failures that I don't truly appreciate the beauty of everydays. All of these dissapointments this week ended with a much more amazing outcome then I would ever have thought possible. I guess you could say that Mommy had a little preschool learning experience of her own this week...